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tv   At Midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  April 10, 2015 2:05am-2:36am PDT

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und of applause. take a look at all of this spandex solidarity. give yourselfaise round of applause. thanks all of you here tonight and for everyone at home for all the spandex solidarity on twitter. you all look fantastic. "the nightly show" is all new next week. until then, good night, >> it's 11:59 and a 9 seconds this happened on instagram. it's base ball stadium get your butt to the stadium get drunk on $12 beer and throw an angry bobble head on board. prince fielder is getting in ship with some very special squatts. (laughter)
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no, wait wait wait whoa whoa he's to the doing that right. the guy on top is facing the wrong way. that is not how you're supposed to do that. nice try. comedians what is the name of this saucey new exercise. jamie lee go. >> the girlfriend at a music festival. >> all right. matt mccarthy. >> squatfried and roy. >> perfect. peat holmes. >> jack your a b's while catching crabs or-- work your rear with a dick on your ear. >> yes, it's time to start add midnight captioning sponsored by comedy central >> welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight it's tag team thursday. presented by fridays today we have a sponsor. tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky
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followers. the winning tag team partner will receive a fry's gift card. tonight's comedians are performing at bonnaroo june 11 and 12th jamie lee. (applause) >> who are you playing for. >> i'm playing for@courtneyw wigley. >> yes, your obvious best friend. >> there she is courtneywiglee she also friend me she also tweet. >> right now she is on her way to buy glitter. >> you got to give everyone a heads up that that is happening. >> courtney wigly host of the we watch wrestling pod cast on feral audio matt mccarthy is here. (applause) >> i believe the roof has been suitably raised. who are you playing for sir. >> lilmiss 412. >> all right, let's see lilmi is ss 4112.
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there she is, she definitely saw seth rogen at the bar last-- oh she really did. >> oh, cool. >> little miss 412 saw big mr. 420, how about that. >> she did. absolutely. >> how about that. >> performing on the together at last with author rob bell kicking off if boulder colorado tickets an info at pete holmes.com. you should also listen you made it weird. pete holmes. >> thank you. thank you. thank you chris. >> there is no microphone. >> thank you for having me on -- >> thank you for having me on ampersand 12. >> no, you can stop-- it's not an ampersand. an ampersand is an and it's at. >> with that called. >> an@symbol. >> that should be called the ampersand to you. >> it's not t say whole other thing. >> that is an ampersand. >> it's definitely not an ampersand. you're very confused right to you. >> follow me at ampersand
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pete holmes. >> who are you playing for. >> i'm playing for 0503. >> you mean ampersand 0503. >> yes ampersand xaer 0503 aka torpedo ted. >> doing a creepy train selfie here right there. >> where is he? >> i'm glad that is not actually a selfie because you foe his pants were off. >> ripped from today's internethead lines it's rapid refresh. avengers age of ultron is almost here. i'm very excited to the extent that my company nerdist is producing a marathon of all 11 marvel movies in sequence starting with ironman and ending with age of ultron in a couple of weeks. we're very excited about it. nary has the internet been more moist for a film. one bit of disappointing news though, in a recent interview joss whedon
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director says it will not contain a post credit scene of the famous shawarma session, seen here that is what that looks like that is unfortunate but if it did have a post credit sequence, what should it be, jamiest lee. >> the hulk drops his shorts to reveal a surprisingly average size penis. >> points. >> yeah because anyone who is that like-- smash like they're compensating for the whole thing. >> you are going through some crisis. >> we all know that his pants did not tear. >> pete holmes. >> i think it should be captain america and black widow admitting that they bring very little to the table. >> and then having steamy marvel sex on his shield. >> yes. >> are you suggesting that captain america would [bleep] a ruskie? i done think so.
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>> he got all his powers from an injection. let's see what happens to her. >> i'm going to go find myself. i'm applauding myself. >> points for pete. >> but wait does this mean if captain america [bleep] you, you become a supersoldier is. >> ? you if you are a fan of this program you know we love the florida man. it collects headlines from the state where bonkers has no-- headlines like this. >> florida man shines laser at car while hiding bag of marijuana in his rectum. >> and that's the slow news day. cigar city brewing is also a fan of said twitter account and whipped up an ipa called florida man. there is what that looks like. comedians using your sophisticated palate, tell us what this beer tastes like. >> it tastes like lyn ard dry with a hint of skynard. >> yes points.
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>> pete holmes. >> the skalty tears of a one legged stripper. >> salty. >> i mean the dollar bill was just keep falling out because the -- >> oh right. >> it depends where you start the amptation. >> oh. >> i'm just saying. >> wait a minute she's got you on a technicality. >> thank you. >> that brings us to the end of rapid refresh it's now time for the hashtag wars. a fellow americans today is the 65th anniversary of as ifa announcing the names of the first self be astronauts john glenn alan sheppard buzz light-year crosbie stills and nash the bridges of pad son county tonight's #is astronaut problems. astronaut problemsment
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examples might be aliens laying eggs on your chest or clooney gets all the space tail. or mars ain't a place to raise your kids in fact it's cold as hell. i'm going to put 60 seconds on the clock and begin. >> pete holmes. >> space diarrhea. >> that would propel you in zero gravity. >> yeah. >> matt. >> being stuck with ann hathaway. >> okay points. >> matt. >> tricking bugs bunny into the rocket. >> yes. >> space modulator. >> jamie. >> roming charges. >> yes points. >> peter holmes. >> it's hard to jerk it with those oven hit space suit hands. >> pete holmes again. >> bulky space suit makes it hard to show off your big old dk ick. >> jamie.
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>> -- keeps trying to [bleep] your dick. >> pete t seems illogical that your penis could be so large. >> pete. >> helmet sneezes. >> yes. >> it will be a huge problem points that is the end of the-tag wars send us your dash hag to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more@midnight. >> congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war. well played.
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welcome back to @midnight. it is time to play star words. a long time ago in a gal axy
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near san francisco george lucas invented a war that happened in the stars. six blockbuster movies and millions of continues later we still have no idea what the hell r2-d2 was saying so in anticipation of the first of digital release of the center wars franchise on friday april 10th we have been given a unique opportunity. we are finally going to find out what r 2 was saying tox help us with this insurmountable task please welcome, the galaxy's most decorated astra mcdroid r2-d2. (applause) (cheers and applause) >> thank you so much for joining us r2. >> are you too much. you know i hope your flight
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was okay. >> they lost your luggage? >> all right. well this is how this game is going to without. comedians i'm going to show you an easily licensed -- from the new digital release of star wars. and your job is to tell the audience what you think r2 was actually saying during that scene. you good? okay, good i don't think any of them are -- >> well they're going to have to try their best. >> take it down a notch. all right. if r2 likes your answers then you will get points. if he does not like your answers, you are going to get no points. so sad, so sad. >> so cute. >> all right. i know this is the biggest celebrity you ever met and i'm sure you will be nervous. let's begin. first up r2 stairs out the window at the end of empire
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watch. was he saying in this scene. >> dude, back up that's your sister. (laughter) >> that was nice. >> points. jamie. >> it was the night before comic con. >> yeah points. >> here we have hans solo surrendering to the imperial troops on the moon of endor right there. what is r2 saying. >> remember when the sky crashed the millennium falcon on a golf course? >> yeah points. >> jamie. >> throw your hands in the air, wave them like you just don't care that you are wearing a tiny little vest. it's so little. >> point, points. >> thank you. >> incomes up r2 watches-- practice his hand stands whack is he saying? >> matt. >> is anyone planning on cleaning me? i'm very expensive. (laughter)
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>> points. jamie. >> let me know if any lunch money shakes out of those pockets because momma is craving a -- >> points. >> pete holmes. >> yeah, yeah that's nice. >> points. next up we have r2 back on done-- with whether and mrs. sky vader right there. >> matt? >> do you think we can find some shade. i'm r2-d2 not spf-100. >> points. >> jamie. >> guys i swear we parked in p5. within points. pete. >> oh they're looking good. this third wheel is not a foot. >> points. >> oh, wow. and lastly but to the lastly
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we have a photo of r2 with the dogg himself. >> we should totally start a pod cast together. >> yes. pete. >> snoop mi your father. >> you got points there. >> yeah. >> you guys did very well. no one got no points this entire round. i was very happy everyone did a great job. >> i knew we like me. i'm cp 3-hold am. >> oh. >> that disappointed him. >> yeah man. i'm sick of his bull [bleep] too. you are the first person that had the courage to say it r2. >> show us the hologram of
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tupac. >> that does it for star words. don't forget to download the star word digital move wrooe collection available right now. ladies and gentlemen please help me thank r2-d2. (applause) >> here i go. it is time for a live challenge. party party. >> ever wanted to see your eyeball in a stranger's hand? well, now you can. thanks to miles payton's interactive selfie experiment, you can submit gifts to a giant coleage of strachblinger's body parts and rearrange them as you please, kind of like an orgy but only five percent of the fun. we decided to combine the different body parts and do crazy lumpy strangergoblins like so. this is basically where the real housewives come from.
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(applause) so comedians i'm going to give you etch one of these kraetions an speaking as a person whose features are jumbled up i want you to tell me what the biggest challenge is that you face. we'll get our answers after the break. and be right back with more @midnight. (applause) doug, we have the results, but first, we have a very special guest. come on out, flo! [house band playing] you have anything to say to flo? nah, i'll just let the results do the talking. [crowd booing] well, he can do that. we show our progressive direct rate and the rates of our competitors even if progressive isn't the lowest. it looks like progressive is not the lowest! ohhhh! when we return we'll find out whether doug is the father.
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wait, what?
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>> welcome back to @midnight. before the break i told you about an internet art project that lets you rearrange gifts of pem's body parts. i asked to you share what challenges you face as one of tease done tall franken stynes, let's hear what you came up with. jame-year lee start with you. >> getting people to see me as more than just a great piece of ass. come on my eyes are up here an over there. and let's not forget my awesome patch of moles. (applause) >> that's tough. >> you got it real tough. >> judge matt mccarthy. >> girls in bars thinking i'm seth rogen. very nice. >> i just got the callback. >> pete holmes.
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>> oh no no, no, no. >> aaahhh! aaahhh! i'm going to give a thousand points to matt, 500 to jimmie lee and pete. our next game fake webbie awards. the 2015 webbie awards were announced this week honoring internet luminaries and pals of @midnight like weird al justin long and john hunt from there. they have also been on the show. categories like best social media web site and best web series. couldn't help but notice that we didn't get any nominations on any of that stuff. i do a lot of [bleep] on the internet, guys. (applause) why do i not get nominated for the webbies? your videos suck, thank you.
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>> yeah, that's right i just keep yoda under my-- the force is average with this one. what are some other categories you with like to see an award show honoring the internet. 60 second on the clock. pete holmes. >> most misspelled raise sures. >> grumpiest cat. >> mouthiest breatheer. >> points. >> jamie. >> japanesest porn. >> points. >> the one with the ten tackles. >> pete. >> longest twitter aka the paton oswald awards. >> most passive-aggressive facebook status i'm looking at you carl. >> points. >> keyboardiest cat. >> points. >> may he rest in peace. >> [bleep] he's dead get over it. >> he'll live forever. >> nope he's dead. pet. >> who played the organ at the funeral? >> pete.
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>> porn web site that makes me feel the most shame which is also the japanese one with the ten tackles. >> points. >> worst kiss. >> that is the end of fake webbie awards. i see that jamie lee, you are just barely in third place. and we must eliminate you. i'm so sorry. >> i know. >> do you have any last words? >> play keyboard cat. >> red light. >> all right. that means it's time to praise god it's for the win. >> an image was trending on reddit of some unholy graffiti on a church clarely whoever did this loves satan an is also illiterate because he loves satin. oh. hail satin! satin satin satin! >> i serve you my shimmery
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soft master. cotton can burn in hell! >> i know you hetens are all down with the dark lord satin so i want to you write a prayer to this most sinful of fabric. we will have our comedians and name a winner when we come back on @midnight what's this? a box. it takes worn out things and makes 'em better. wanna see? yeah! [motorcycle engine revs] cool! what else ya got? it's our biggest breakthrough yet! wow! [dinosaur roar] we're taking worn out batteries... ...and making them into something strong. new energizer ecoadvanced.
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>> welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. let's wipe these scores clean, wipe wipe wipe wipe, wipe wipe. all right i'll read your answers aloud. i guys will decide who shall be the winner. you are also playing for your tag team partner at home. before the break, i showed you this picture of some misspelled church graffiti and asked you to write a prayer to satin. let's see what you guys wrote. first one dear satin you up? simple. or. >> hey satin you're a libary of diaroara. >> number two is the winner who is am in two. pete holmes. you're the winner of @midnight. congratulations. you and your tag team partner and our entire studio audience when a t.g.i. fridays government
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card. we'll see you pond with our gifts arden myrin mike lawrence and guy branum. come on the best thing in the world. #astronaut problems to beingmology a-- to become ♪ chappelle's show, chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ♪ ow! ♪ ♪ whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪ ♪ whoo-hoo! ♪ ♪ yeah, yeah. ♪ [♪...] let's start the show. [♪...] [piano playing general conversation...] what'll it be, guys? i'll have a scotch on the rocks. i'll have a samuel adams. i'll have a samuel jackson. you know something? i'll have a samuel jackson too. me three. [all laugh] three samuel jacksons coming right up. [rapid funk playing...] good mother[]ing choice, mother[]er! samuel jackson... made painstakingly by me-- samuel l. jackson.
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